I make a promise to you every time I wear your ring. I promise that I will be loyal, faithful, and give you my all. The ring i wear is the most valuable piece of jewelry I have. I run my fingers along it at least once an hour and usually more, its gay i know but i just want to make sure its there bc i feel so naked without it on. Its hard to get close to you when we are so busy and healing from our misunderstandings we have time to time but i will try harder. We are getting stronger i know it. I know that i am such a weirdo bc i can just put our fight aside after we make up and well its harder for you. I dont forget but i want you so bad that i get on with our future. You are so much more to me, and I am so sorry that you have seen this darker side i have. I feel exposed i told you but as time goes by and my dark side goes away, i will feel great about myself again. We cant let is go no matter what we jsut cant, we will have it all someday i know it. You cant let me tell its over or that I dont want this bc i am just angry and confused, tell me to shut up and hug me please just hug me and let me fall apart in your arms. LAst night i was so weak and tired that i couldnt even shower myself, how embarrasing. I cant belive ilet you see me like that. I used to feel like that alot before when i was under alot of stress, its a horrible feeling. I am so hard to live with most of the time i understand but with communication and tons of affection i can ne so much more than you have seen. I love you, i am sorry, i mean it i am not just saying it. I cant hurt u anymore, it hurts me so much. Things will get better, i know they will, please just open up to me like before, and lets make more love, bc man last night was great, 2 people that make love like that have to be doing something right trust me. You got me so hot........ok i gota go to walmart before i get horny. Miss me baby

Current Mood: determined

I want to swan dive into you. Touch me, please love me. Life is so hard on us right now, but we are a team, together we can make it. I am pretty drunk, i want to go deeper wth you, i want to know everything. White Sheet.............

Current Mood: drunk

Its 10:20pm. I havent heard from you since your voicemail at 7pm on your way to work. I cant get you off my mind. Its like I cant do anyhing else, because I am waiting by my phone, practically starring at it lol, just waiting to hear from you. I am really proud of you, working on your own now, not afraid. They say it is the best way to learn but the scariest for sure. I look forward to you in the mornings because your so happy about your job even though you wont admit it lol. ooooohh.....you called yay.....im off to see you real fast.....be back.........ok i am back. It is now 10:53pm. Yuuummmy........i feel so much better now that I got to kiss your lips and touch your face. I cant wait for the day when we have the same schedules. You are so beautiful, I cant believe I have you all to myself. I'm lucky. Sad, but lucky lol. I was glad to hear that your father liked the present and you made your mother smile. I am going to make you open up to your mom yet lol. I am sorry for making things so hard on you sometimes. I know you are doing your best, and doing everything you can. I dont mean to discourage you, i just get selfish and jealous sometimes, and angry with life. I wanted to say that I really appreciate you waking up in such a good mood today. I know you tried really hard, and you slept very little. I felt bad for wanting you up, but I couldnt wait to see you. I really tried to be as quiet as I could this morning next to you. I am not looking forward to going back to work really lol, I dont want to miss you more than I already do. I dont want to get distant or distracted with work like I sometimes do. If that happens just attack me and wrestle me down to the ground and bring me close to your heart. I love you, You are my everything. I adore you.....GAY!!!

Current Mood: happy

Baby i am sorry about last night. i really didnt mean to take it out on you. I just miss you alot sometimes and I want soem attention from you lol. I know you are so tired right now and I am going to try and help you catch up as much as I can. Just dont froget about me please in this crazy life that we are experiencing together right now. Please dont ever leave me, no matter what. I guess I get real insecure and need to be babied too a little. I need a dang marriage license to make me happy lol. Anyways i miss you and i am real sorry about last night. I will keep trying everyday to get ahead for us. I want you to find me Irresistible everyday ya know, and me being a bum doesnt make me attractive. I am losing my confidence and my pride damnit!! One thing you will find out about me though is that I dont give up, I keep reaching and wanting more. You probabbly already know that about me lol. I love you kee, i cant live without you! xoxoxoxoxox
hmmm......I wonder how long its going to take you to read this with your busy life and no time for christa ordeal lol

Current Mood: hopeful

 Here I go again. Thousands of pieces all around me. Where do I go wrong? I just dont get it. I am crying out. I know he has a plan, but why cant he guide me better?? Life can be so hard, I need my angel to make it all better again. 

I feel pain, let down, lied to, and most of all, stupid. I bend over backwards to bring her back to me, but its clear to me now that your focus is in the wrong place and your eyes have been blurred for some time. I tried, nothing i can do will make her see. I gave too much of me to her, I gave it my all. Once again I failed myself. I have no idea what to do. I am so weak for her, and I know it. I let it show through way too much. 

She is the one, I know for a fact, she has to be. She still gives me buterflies, and when she smiles, I smile. I dont like feeling weak, and out of control. I am getting too old for these feelings of rage. I dont know the right thing to do. Do I put my heart on the shelf, and move on with my life and save myself? Do I keep trying to fight for every little bit of her affection, and put myself through rollacoasters of emotion and possibly take that chance to love ever again away?? Dear God, please send me a sign, PLEASE, I need you. You are the only one I can reach. 

Current Mood: nauseated

I wanted to apoligize for last night. I felt your mood yesterday and it really got to me. I shouldnt havent took it as a person problem(like its something wrong with me). Your mood brought me kinda down alot, i mean I took the day off in hopes that you could see me. After you keeping me so far away all day, i was exhausted, i didnt want to go clubbing. I sometimes wonder if you miss your freinds and wish that you could make new ones? Maybe I am not enough for you right now with all the stress going on in your mind ya know. I have tried to be supportive for you and  take care of everything so you dont have to worry. Am i too much for you? Am i getting on your nerves? I am sorry that instead of me begging you or telling you that i need you, i expect you to see that. You probably right you cant see when i need you any more because there are so many other things going on around us. I just need to grow up. I have probably been reaching out too much for you and you arent superwoman ya know, thats my fault for having such high expectations. I just rememeber when we first got together how hard you tried and I asked myself is this real? I mean could I be this lucky to find such a beautiful woman that worships me in every way??I got hooked on the way you looked at me, and needed me.

I try really hard to not show weakness.  I get hurt so easy, I really do, but instead of making a big deal out of it I hide most of it because I think I am being stupid and over dramatic. I am pretty confused on what to do.....I am not good about flat out saying i need love. Its probably something I should work on. I will also try to work on not saying those horrible things to you that are below the belt. I will start trying to focus on the positve things you do for me and complement you on those times you do sweep me off my feet. And all the things you do for me. 

As for the disagreements, I am not too sure what I can do to make you not shut me out. If there is one thing that really makes me want to disappear, its when you close off. I cant control my feelings when you do that to me. It hurts so bad. I know you cant control it but there has to be a way that we can avoid that line. I get so ill inside when that happens. It feels like you just dumped me, like I am not worth the effort to sit down like collective adults and battle thru our differences. So as you can see i get so vunerable , and i always run to you. 

I realized last night that i need to get a grip on my feelings for you, I am too much. I probably look like a chicken with its head cut off to you. I wish that i had just went to work ya know. You obviously needed your space. I could even tell just how you felt when I met you @ logans today and told you, i didnt have to work. I know you were suprised, but I wonder if you were disappointed? When you told me last night that you need space, it was a slap in the face but I understand, I will try and give you space. Its obvious we both need to regroup. I dont want you thinking I am a big baby anymore, or that I cant live without you. I want you, I am sorry that I really needed you yesterday and felt that your unhappiness was my fault. I just try so hard to make you happy, and well I get so upset when you dont feel happy. Im really going to try and give you some of your own time. I have really been all over you and up your ass lately. I guess I didnt see the big picture until last night when you said it to me. 

I love you kee and I always will. I know that its not about us anymore as much, its about our needs to be healthy. Life happens, and yes I am young, its hard to grasp sometimes that I am not number one all the time. I need to realize that life is hard but we are going through the journey together, and just  because you dont look at me the way you did the day before doesnt mean you arent attracted to me, its life, your right it gets in the way.

Current Mood: cold

 OMG!! We just had amazing sex!! Yummy! lol Things have been sorta bumpy for us up until recently. I know that we are growing and times will be rough, but we have a soild rock of a relationship, if that makes any kind of sense lol. I am glad we can come back to the rock, even after the storm we still drift back to the rock. I am so in love with you, i had a blast with you today. You took me shopping which of course gets me so hot for some reason haha so of course i want to taste you all night long, thats kinda sad huh?lol oh well i had a great day and well it was topped off with having you melt in my mouth yay!! Oh thanks for taking me shopping by the way, i appreciate you. You are starting your first day of work tomorow morning. I know it sucks having to grow up and be responsible, but think of all the great things that will come of it. Its a start, and things only get better for you, and us. I know that i wasnt exctied at first about your job, but i was being reatarded and i owe you a huge sorry for putting all that negative pressure on you, i mean hell its bad enough that you have to be responsible now and earn money instead of scrubbn like always, oh and not to mention all the puke and shit you are going to have to clean up lol I love you and am excited about the future for you and us. Just dont forget whos first damit lol!!

Current Mood: optimistic

What a day, heck what a past couple of weeks!! Today is Christmas and well i wouldnt want to be anywhere wlse other than where i was today, beside you. Last night we saw P.S. i love at the movie theaters and well you cried through the whole movie it seemed like. I am had no idea the movie was going to based on a woman trying to get over her dead husband who coincidently was alot like me. Anyways i felt horrible bc i knew you were thinking the whole that could be me gone, and that could be you trying to move on. You dont have to worry about that one, bc i am not going anywhere baby. I followed up a a great evening with candles lit leading to the room where i had more candles that spelt i love you, i made you blow them all out before you could ever come to bed with, which of ocurse i was laying there tastefully neaked waiting for you. Gosh you looked so hot as you were blowing out the candles on your knees one by one!! haha but now we have candle wax stuck in the carpet lol. Fast forwarding to today......Christmas.......what a remarkable one it was. We got all dolled up just as i had planened and opened gifts one by one, we laughed and took videos, and well for once I belong. If I get nothing else out of this relationship Kee, i can always say you were the girl that made me belong, I was a part of a family, a part of a beggining, a part of you. You have given me a family, we have 2 dogs, and a home that I really feel good about. I have a really good feeling that I am going to get much more from you and I as we grow, at least i hope your around long enough for that to happen lol, i know how you like to skank around sometimes.......joking. Back to Christmas, we opened out girfts and then went to go eat at Aunt Shirley's which i really enjoy. They make me laugh so much, they are adorable and they took me in as if I was one of their own, and I really appreicate that. I am so honored to be your partner, and I appreciate everything you have shown me, and gave me, and how you made me family. I love you, more than you will ever know. Your so beautiful all over.

Current Mood: touched

so i  walk in the door to our place and your not there and well i am sad bc i miss you and i hate when we fight. I dont know what to do fix this, i feel really down and hurt. I dont mean to upset you or hurt you ever. I am so completely in love with you and the thought of us being so far apart just makes me feel ill. I know that i need to learn to keep my mouth shut alot of times when i am angry. I want to make you happy so much i really do, i feel so high when we are on the same page and when you are so sweet to me i fall so deep. I just dont know how to handle my feelings when you take distance to me, it hurts really bad and i wish i could say that i am ok and it doesnt bother me, well it does very much. You are my everything, and my future, and my soul mate, i dont like making you mad bc you take all of your tlc and attention away from me and it really sucks. I really miss you right now and im really sad, i wish i would have just listened to you. Anyways i am going to take a bath and think of you. I love you.

Current Mood: sad

I just had to write about how good things have been with us and how happy i am with you right now. This promise ring you gave me never felt so good and i am still waiting on ym printed version,signed by none other than Mrs. Peterman herself lol. I dont like going any where without it lol. When we went to the movied the other day, man that was so much fun! I like how you have never been movie hopping before, it was fun huh? I hope it wasnt too risky for you or unsafe lol? I really like watching even the gayest movie ever the bee movie with you in my arms. i really liked talking to you last night in bed, in the dark, after we made love, it was cozy. You do sound like a doctor babe, i cant wait for you to be all you ever wanted.......the boss lady and helping people too, but i think you like the bossy part lol. I love that about you..........striving to be more and wanting to be more, thats just like me! Just hope i can soften you up still when you become mega butch....ooops i menat mega biatch at work lol. I cant wait to have it all with you. You are definately my other half. Man listen to me........GAYY!!!! ok on that note im signing off with i love you!!

Current Mood: high